I have had insomnia for as long as I can remember. Watching the red numbers fade in to one another. Slowing your breathing in order to slow your thoughts. It never works. Have you ever noticed things are always so much worse in the dark? I hate the dark. If you cant sleep then you have maybe one other option... shitty late night telly. I guess I am lucky in the sense that my insomnia isn’t continuous. I can have any where from a bad week to a bad couple of months and then it goes away for awhile. This is the third week in this stint. It often flairs up in times of stress. Exam time is often a killer. This time however its due to an overwhelming sense of self loathing. I didn’t even get out of my PJ's yesterday. I just want to be something more. I don’t know why I’m not. I don’t know why I cant apply myself or stick to anything. This is the stuff you are forced to think about with insomnia or worse still you fall into the loop. The loop is a problem that repeats its self. You think about something and it leads to another thought and then onto another and then without realising it you are back to the start again. Not fun.
This morning (3am) however I am not in the mood for the loop, I am not even in the mood for the problem. So I have decided that for the short term I am effectively going to create day time insomnia. In my case this involves getting up at 5am and excising like hell so by 11pm I crash and burn only to repeat the same process the following day. There is two good points to this plan... A) I get to go to bed with Chris and there for get cuddles and B) Light begins to appear at 5.30 so I need not spend hours in the dark. But wait there is more. I have also decided (provoked by early hour delirium) that I will begin a more regimented lifestyle so as to be accountable for my waking hours. Yes that ought to make it particularly difficult to justify 2 hours of doctor Phil and Oprah a day. And even though I notorious for being brutally honest in my blog I have also decided to be more open with the things that I would like to change about myself. So tomorrow you call all look forward to a full run down on how I failed weight watchers. Believe me it thrills me just as much as it thrills u :$ Then again there is the off chance that after I do get some sleep I may forget all about it.
