Today has sucked so much. From the moment I woke up things were bad. I have to admit I caused the fight and I wasn't even out of bed. In my defence I have the worst case of PMS and to top it off I have earth shattering cramps. Which had led me to conclude that I should go back on the pill because they have just been getting worse and worse. I regret and have apologised for my behavior this morning but in typical Chris style it will be 3 or 4 days before he forgives me. The funny thing is I was really upset at him. I told him the truth. I told him how I felt and all he could say is "whatever" and walked away. God that makes me so angry. He then proceeded to ignore me all day. Never mind that I spent the day in bed, in pain. I don't think I could have done the same thing. I remember when Chris got sick in Albury, just an hour before being angry at him for something but the second I saw he was suffering I felt so guilty. I lay awake all night listening to his breathing just to make sure he was ok.
I think I had forgiven him around 3 after I had some sleep. At 4 he came into the room to inform me that we would be leaving soon but the second I got out of bed I buckled in pain. At this point I told him to apologies to his parents for me as I didn't think I would be able to cope with an evening with his parents. Its wasn't that I found them tedious in fact in resent month I have really have come to love them as my own. It was more that the only place I have been comfortable all day is in bed and even that has been difficult. It was easy to tell that this had just angered Chris more and I think he may even have thought that I was putting it on. When he left this evening he took his watch and wallet of the dresser,walked out of the bedroom and without facing me he said "I will see you when I get home", yep his defiantly angry. I just let it go.
After he left I had fallen back asleep for an hour or so. When I woke at 5.30, I thought I might like something to eat but found nothing in the fridge so I decided to walk to the supermarket, two blocks away. I got dressed and brushed my hair. Looking in the mirror, I had obviously fallen asleep on my hand again as I had my hand print on the side of my face. This happens to me frequently I get imprints from my jeans, bra straps, sheets you name it. I didn't even thing about it after that. I walked to the supermarket got some cheese and crackers and headed to the check out. The woman at the counter was starring at me and I couldn't figure out why. As soon as the person in front of me had finished she leaned partly across the counter and said "Your such a pretty girl, why would you let anyone hit you?". I was so taken back for a second and I looked at the woman behind me in the line who had to what the counter lady had said and was making sympathetic eyes at me. Having made eye contact with me she felt that she had a right to give her two cents and said "The hand print is as clear as day on your face love, you really should leave him". My god this has to be a bad joke, I remember thinking to myself right before the anger boiled up in me. Then I just snapped, I felt this overwhelming urge to protect Chris "For your information, that is my own hand print. I had fallen asleep on it". The looked at me as if I was one of those silly women that say 'oh, I just walked into a door' , which in turn made me even more angry. I took of my bag to reveal the mark that my canvas bag had left of my shoulder, you could even see the weave of the material on the imprint "I suppose you would like to blame him for this too or the cat scratches on my arm". A this point both women looked truly humiliated as they should be and I know I should have walked away but I couldn't help but get the last line "Do you to really have nothing better than to judge others!" and I stormed out. Now I was really angry. I mean the rage had boiled up in side of me. How could anyone think that Chris would never lay a finger on me! The thought is inconceivable. I don't even remember the walk home. When I got home however I was almost in tears and by the time I had put the shopping on the table I was in so much pain. I climbed into bed. Sobbing and in so much pain.
I drifted in and out of sleep till around 7 when I felt well enough to put the groceries away. At 7.30 Chris came home I know this because I saw the car lights through the window. I expected to come into his room and put his watch and wallet down or even a cuddle to show that he missed me. He must really be angry. He did not come anywhere near the bedroom and I don't think he will. I don't think he loves me this evening. He cant even manage sympathy. Yet I love him all the same. I berated two women in a shopping centre for dishonoring him. I hope he forgives me soon, I kind of need him tonight.
