Urban Princess

FAT.

There really is no other title for this blog. Last night I decided to get on the scales to my mortification, I discovered that I am now currently I am at my heaviest. I really couldn't believe it. I was aware that I had put on weight but I had no idea it was 27 kilos. In 13 months no less. When I lived by myself, I took better care of myself. Now living with the boys though, Chris comes first. I always make sure that he has enough to eat and that he has something to eat with his coffee. I know I should exercise more but I always feel it should come second to my education.

Ok I know it frequently sounds like Chris is perfect and believe me there has never been a day in his life where he has been over weight. That just makes it harder though because he really has no idea how much this issue pains me. God bless his soul I could be 200 kg and just as long as I am happy, he would still love me regardless. The other thing is Chris is a very independent person and I just don’t think he understands I really need help at this. He has seen me fail time and time again. Im sure he thinks its just because Im not committed. He doesn't realize that his choices impact me. Before I lived here I ate take away maybe once a month, in this house its two times a week. Its really cruel to have to stick to a diet and still watch the boys eat Maccas and KFC. He doesn't walk and so he won't exercise with me. I respect the fact the Chris really has given me a lot of my independence back but I don’t think I can do this alone.

So tomorrow I have decided to go back on Optifast, I did well once before on the program and lost like 15 kilos but by far the first week is the worst. The Carving suck, you miss chewing on food and it takes awhile for your body to realize that the shakes are going to be the meals from now on. First couple of days you get head aches and feel tired but after that its all good... Eh I just seem to have a little trouble getting based the first couple of days. Things have changed a little since the last time I tried the program. Now there a bars, soup and different flavor shakes. When I had my success so many years ago all you could get was Chocolate and Vanilla Shakes. So hear is my master plan to night is my final meal, I love my Maccas and I cant start on the day they have that for tea. Then tomorrow I'll start the shakes so it should get really hard till monday. By then I'll have been to my concert and finished my assignment and I can afford a couple of crap days before I need to start my assignment. I’ve also planned to cook means next week that I won't be tempted to eat. I still haven't figured out what Im going to do about dinner at Chris Parents place but I have a week to figure that out now and should almost be set in my cycle by the time I have to go there. I really have to do it this time I cant afford to get heaver. I am seriously endangering my health. I don’t feel good about myself anymore.

Weight Watchers and World Wars.

Lucked out people, I remembered so I shall try to keep it short and sweet. Yes it is very possible to fail weight watchers. Its actually alot easier than you think. I started new years day... at about 105 kg.  First week I did really well and had a loss of 3.6 kg. Eh and then I just sort of feel of the wagon. I went to mums and that didn't sort of fit into my routine. I didn't have my gym, pool or pantry so I just gave up. Then when I got home I didn't seem to have the motivation I had before. Motivation is a funny thing, it seems to come and go of its own free will. I guess I didn't fail completely. I only put back on 1.5 kg and I'm trying hard this week to stick to my point. I even went for a swim this morning. Early January I was doing around 20 laps. With the back spasms I'm back to 5. Its been over a week since they got really bad and I had hoped they would just go away. Hasn't happened, Ive just learned not to complain about them.

Speaking of previous posts, I have a couple of up dates. Chris did eventually forgive me, god know why. I'm the biggest pain in the arse. He was even sweet enough to cook tea last night. Karma came back to get me of the "stuff" post, day after I wrote it my laptop screen blew. Not looking forward to having to replace it and it was my favorite computer :( Uni me has been kickin butt, Ive done the first whole unit of "The world since 1945" on the down side after finishing my reading last night in bed, I spent the whole night dreaming about the Atom bombs dropped on Japan. Actually I would like to elaborate on this topic a little but please understand it really isn't my intention to offend anyone.

Prior to last week I could have told you unequivocally that dropping the bombs on Japan was the wrong thing to do. That pretty much is the standard taught at school. Last night however I was reading a ground soldier turned historians account. Did you know that ever week the allies where suffering 7000 casualties a week. If in fact the bombs hadn't been dropped and a full invasion had of happened. Chances are there would have been just as many deaths if not more, depending on how long it went on. Another interesting thing is the bombs wernt entirely without warning, apparently days before America dropped thousands of fliers suggesting they evacuate the city as they had intentions of level it. He also makes two other very profound points. The first being most historian who now write how wrong it was to drop the bomb have never seen the front lines of war. Let alone the lack or well how do I put this... Japan's human rights violations?!? The second is that historians have a nasty habit of 'cleaning up' the past. Fitting it into nice little time periods with the gift of  hindsight. Now I am not saying that the bombs should or for that matter shouldn't have been dropped I have simply come to the conclusion that maybe history really isn't as clear cut as its made out to be. They say pictures are worth a thousand words. I am 23 and there are certain images that will stick with me till the day I die. The photos of the mushroom clouds are one. The napalmed little girl in Vietnam is the other. I think most of all it bothers me that we can do this to one another. Regardless of religion or race every human has the same right to life. No human is more or less valuable than another. Collateral damage is bull shit. That was someones son, brother, mother, etc. Stereo typical and righteous I know and by the hand of god I hope I never do have to be in a situation where I might have to reconsider. Hmm I feel better now having that off my chest.