Urban Princess

FAT.

There really is no other title for this blog. Last night I decided to get on the scales to my mortification, I discovered that I am now currently I am at my heaviest. I really couldn't believe it. I was aware that I had put on weight but I had no idea it was 27 kilos. In 13 months no less. When I lived by myself, I took better care of myself. Now living with the boys though, Chris comes first. I always make sure that he has enough to eat and that he has something to eat with his coffee. I know I should exercise more but I always feel it should come second to my education.

Ok I know it frequently sounds like Chris is perfect and believe me there has never been a day in his life where he has been over weight. That just makes it harder though because he really has no idea how much this issue pains me. God bless his soul I could be 200 kg and just as long as I am happy, he would still love me regardless. The other thing is Chris is a very independent person and I just don’t think he understands I really need help at this. He has seen me fail time and time again. Im sure he thinks its just because Im not committed. He doesn't realize that his choices impact me. Before I lived here I ate take away maybe once a month, in this house its two times a week. Its really cruel to have to stick to a diet and still watch the boys eat Maccas and KFC. He doesn't walk and so he won't exercise with me. I respect the fact the Chris really has given me a lot of my independence back but I don’t think I can do this alone.

So tomorrow I have decided to go back on Optifast, I did well once before on the program and lost like 15 kilos but by far the first week is the worst. The Carving suck, you miss chewing on food and it takes awhile for your body to realize that the shakes are going to be the meals from now on. First couple of days you get head aches and feel tired but after that its all good... Eh I just seem to have a little trouble getting based the first couple of days. Things have changed a little since the last time I tried the program. Now there a bars, soup and different flavor shakes. When I had my success so many years ago all you could get was Chocolate and Vanilla Shakes. So hear is my master plan to night is my final meal, I love my Maccas and I cant start on the day they have that for tea. Then tomorrow I'll start the shakes so it should get really hard till monday. By then I'll have been to my concert and finished my assignment and I can afford a couple of crap days before I need to start my assignment. I’ve also planned to cook means next week that I won't be tempted to eat. I still haven't figured out what Im going to do about dinner at Chris Parents place but I have a week to figure that out now and should almost be set in my cycle by the time I have to go there. I really have to do it this time I cant afford to get heaver. I am seriously endangering my health. I don’t feel good about myself anymore.

Essays in the Cold.

We are in the middle of yet another cold snap. Summer has been so long and warm I had forgotten just how cold, cold is. Towards the end of winter our heater started playing up, we had ment to get it fixed but then it got warm and I guess we just forgot. Last night when Chris went to turn it on, it wasnt working at all. Last night it was so cold not only did I sleep in my winter PJ's. I practicly sleeped on top of Chris. His so warm, its like a big cuddly hot water bottle. When he got up he went and got the extra donna from the linen press. Im so spoilt.

The house has calmed down from the weekend just in time for it to start all over again. This weekend is very exciting for me. I have Maroon 5 tickets. We go to Melbourne once every 3 months or so. I always look forward to it. This month however it looks as if I will get to go on consecutive weekends as one of my best friends 21st the weekend after. Poor Chris just continues to get dragged pillar to post. Speaking of birthdays, my grand fathers birthday was monday and my other best friends is today. I called them both this morning from bed. Pa these's days has more of a social life than I do. He was away the past weekend and is booked soiled till May. Emily on the other hand is just chillin. We had a nice long gossip. I got out all the things that where upsetting me. Everything about the Uni, Housemates and Children. It was very calming.

As for the next couple of days it is going to be an all out assult on my International Relations Assignment. I am a little upset as my lecturer has changed his mind and decided that refferences are required for this assignment. So what are we surposed to be learning. If no refferences are required than its simply a 1000 word oppinion piece. It just makes you slack. So against the the grain on my classmates I still am going to do it the professional way!!! I may not be the greatest student but Im not one to half ass it.

Where we are.

Tonights post is going to be a rather relaxed one. Right now Im on the laptop watchin Chris play in an online poker tournement. Ok I know this sounds weird but his poker play turns me on a lot more than even his paintballing. Tonight is kinda special. He actually qualified for this tournement earlier this week, actually he says "we qualfied". Which really means I made a bad call for all his chips and "we" got lucky in the turn to win the tournement. The winner of tonights tournement goes on to play in a million dollar tournement in Sydney. Thing is though, Chris and I have very different style of play even though he tought me everything I know about poker. Chris is still by far the better player. He can read players, is better at the Maths and certainly has the acting skills to go with it. I on the other hand have something else. I have luck and well whats losely reffered to I guess as... well Balls. I push my chips in when others think its all lost. Which by the way is why I havent been back to poker recently. Umm last time I was there I put a couple of noses out of joint when I altered my play style to remove a player who had verbally abused a member of my family. Now I will be the first to admit that I cant stand idiot that push for the fun of it. I have 6 tournement wins behind and my behavior was actually remarkably calculated and I did go on to will that perticular night too.

Chris however has a lot more wins and is the only person I know that has one Three nights in a row. So I am always a little honoured when he asked me to play with him. So far we have outlasted 40 out of 102 but all can change in a second.

Easter has been peaceful for us. Actually thats not intirely true. Our housemates girlfriend is here again this weekend and for some reason she brings out the worst in Chris and I. We had maybe our first fight for the year over something that was going on their relationship. I try to keep the peace as much as I can but I see now that this is all wearing a little thin for Chris. Things in this house have changed dramaticly and if it continues at the same rate I think we might ask our housemate to leave. Which in its self is a conumdrum. We cant really afford for him to leave or at least thing would not be as comfortable as they are right now. Secretly though, I think there is a part of me that wants him to leave especially now. His like a child. I pick up after him, turn lights off after him and feed him. For someone who is so dependent he sure has got an attitude of late. She goes home tomorrow and hopefully that will be it for awhile.

Ok I know that sounds really bad but there is another side to it. Today Chris and I have been together 15 months and Im ready for our life just to be ours.

Wow thats the earliest Ive ever submitted an essay.

Im have really been looking forward to writting this blog. First of all thought I would really like to thank everyone for their lovely comments left on my last post. I wasnt having such a good day but you all helped make it a little brighter. Other than that I have had two really good days. Wednesday I was a little worse for wear. When Chris came home from work and I was sitting on our bed in my pj pants and a t-shirt. I had my hair tied up loosely out of my face and as much as I detest wearing them, I had my glasses on. I dont normally like to be so daggy for Chris and I often change before he gets home but I had been so wraped in study. But here is the best bit... He came home and gave me a big hug and told me how pretty I looked. He doesnt say it all that often but when he does it really means something to me. He even watched a chick flick with me.

There was a cool change that evening and as we stood by the front door enjoying the breeze, I got a big hug and an "I love you". It was just a great day. I just love it when ordinary days turn out so good.

Yesterday and was good for other reasons. I worked so hard to get my assignment done, to the point that I was up untill 3 am this morning. It took along time to get the consept into my head but the fact that I got it done by the morning it was due was just great. Even when Chris proof read it, we didn't fight and he said that I had IMPROVED. Yes that right, I got better. Who thought it was humanly possible. No seriously I cant tell you how happy I am not to have to run to the post office before closing time.

I am actually really looking forward to my next assignment. Its an international relations essay based on globalisation. Its something I have a great deal of interest in. I just don't know if 1000 words is enough. I'll let you know about my grade when I get it back.

Green and Blue.

Well we are nearing the end of Saint Patricks day and Im a little sad to be away from my family this year. When I was younger my nana used to brush my hair for school and tell my storys of when she grew up in Ireland. Its almost 4 years since my nana passed away and I feel it most on Saint Patricks day. Ive been to Catholic School and done the green pancakes. I went through university round the corner from an Irish bar. I even remember making a green cheese cake one year when my nana was very ill. Today for the first time in my intire life I just let it slide. I thought since I now have a new family and it doesnt mean anything to Chris that I would let it be. I think perhaps Ive just made myself feel worse. I know that Chris wouldnt have minded even if I'd gone for a guiness. Being Irish is part of me, god knows I will never escape the red hair.

Hello Cupcake.

I am indeed a Princess of Procrastination. I wished it wasnt true but there are just days where I have the attention span of a flea. Yesterday I did so much, I studied more yesterday than I have all this year. Today I am restless. In my defence our housemates girlfriend and kids coming this weekend and there is plenty of things like child proofing and dishes to be done. I should have been working on my assignment, instead I cleaned the bathroom and the kitchen. Once that was done... well... I just did little things. Emailed, organised, fliped though mags and when that didnt fill my day. I made Cupcakes! I dont why but it always gets rid of the built up tention I have in my system.

Not just any kind of cupcakes either. Well they were vanilla but I made 6 colours of icing: Green, Blue, Pink, Purple, Yellow and Orange. I even had sprinkles and M&Ms for decoration. I think I went a little overboard. By the end of it all I had 24 cupcakes, every single was different and no where to put the dam things. I ended up taking 6 over to the neighbours.

Needless to say I didn't get any of my assignment done. As much as I try I just cant seem to get my head round Dynamic Nominalism. I thing its because its a philisophical theory. I have alway had trouble getting my head around the thinking about thinking side of things. Im far my analitical and precise. Philophy alway had far to many variables for me. Still it is only 500 words, due Thursday and I haven't even put pen to paper, so to speak. Its a shame because Im actually looking forward to both my International Relations and History Essays. This is paper is just so uninspiring.

This merry-go-round never stops.

I cant believe its been two weeks since my last post. Things have been so crazy round here, Monday after my last post Chris took the first steps to set up his new buisness. I was so proud. University started and no matter how organinsed I thought I was Im still having to push myself to keep up.Which actually brings me to my news. Some of you may remember last month I told you my laptop bit the dust. Well my darling boyfriend, gentleman and provider bought me a new one. My very first Mac.

My last laptop was a HP with XP but when it came time to look round for a new one, I really just couldnt bring myself to to get a pc. Im affaid the Mac zeloits are right, Vista sucks. At mums earlier this year I was asked to fix a new pc where Vista had locked the administration account from the administrator and was asking for a password disk that we wernt even aware that we needed to create. So it with happy memorys I leave microsoft for Mac. I admit its a change but Im actually really enjoying leopard. There is are some fantastic apps and feature I wish windows had.

Best of all though, Chris never argued, never even tried to talk me out of it. He cant even justify spending money to get his own laptop fixed, how spoilt am I that I get a brand new top of the line laptop.

As the weather turns cold.

The days are beginning to get shorter here in Australia and with there no cloud cover at night, it has become time to get out the winter PJ's again. I have noticed it most in the middle of the night on the way to the loo. The kitchen floor is freezing. It is nights such as this that I most appreciate Chris. He is always so warm. I feel his heat radiates onto my back in the middle of the night and it helps me to know that I am never alone. As an insomniac this is defiantly an added bonus as the nights can be very long and lonely. Unfortunately this is the extent of our friendliness at the moment. Like I said some times we are in sync and others well... you know.

Monday is officially the end of my summer. Uni goes back and the only thing I really have to show is a couple of bad memories from that fateful trip to Albury. The summer prior to that I spent a total of 3 days at home. I went to the beach, I went to stay with a friend in Kerang, I even got to do a stint at the Australian Jamboree. I guess thats just the way life is as you get older. Everything is about Money or the lack of it. I used to pride myself on the fact that Chris and I never argued about money and I thought that may well be our saving grace but thats just not the case anymore. As our life becomes more intertwined so do our finances and in all honesty Chris and I just don't see money in the same light. Its not anybodies fault. Its just I had a more privileged upbring than him, there for I have less care or caution when it comes to money. I know eventually we will find a balance, its just the when that is the issue.

I think its pretty evident that I am having one or two blue days. I'm more sensitive to them now since I was diagnosed with depression. I don't cry or anything, I just go back to bed. Its not that bad anymore and it hasn't been for a long time but it does help me realize just how far I have come in my life.